


How can I let you go

by PerriewinkleNerdie



Category: Bloodbound (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-26 21:22:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21380779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PerriewinkleNerdie/pseuds/PerriewinkleNerdie
Summary: He lost her, he's alone again.
Relationships: Adrian Raines/Main Character (Bloodbound)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 40





	How can I let you go

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, hello, hello!   
Guess who should be studying? Me. Guess who wrote a fic cause BB3 destroyed her? Me.  
Because I love torturing myself (and maybe other people like it too, not sure), I wrote angst. My poor baby Adrian was subjected to the pain he never should have felt, and while I will protect him with my life, I can’t resist letting my mind wander a little, just to see it from his perspective. So here we are.  
Enjoy! <3

„Something’s wrong, Kamilah. It’s not supposed to be like this. Is this supposed to be like this?” Adrian paced next to the bed, his eyes trained on Stephanie and Stephanie only. She was his only focus, his only thought. Her closed eyes, pale skin and lack of any vital functions made him feel uneasy.

Turning wasn’t supposed to take so long.

“What if I did something wrong? What if she’s in pain? What if I messed up and she’s never coming back? What if I was too slow? Maybe I should have-“

“Adrian, if you don’t stop walking and talking, I’m going to stake you. Stop. You did everything right, no one could have done it better. There’s nothing you can do now, all we can do is wait.” Kamilah’s voice pierced through the air, making him stop in his tracks. He turned to look at her, expecting to find her frowning at him, but instead he saw uneasiness, so uncharacteristic for her. She was feeling insecure about the whole situation, unsure of what was happening and why it was taking so long for the transition to happen.

Stephanie’s body didn’t respond to Adrian’s blood. It was becoming more and more obvious as each minute passed that they might have been too late. It’s been almost 24 hours now, and she didn’t give even the smallest hint of getting over this anytime soon. Her body was as stiff as it was minutes after being stabbed. Adrian knew her body in that condition all too well. He was the one that held her when she was dying from a fatal wound. He was the one that carried her out of there. He was the one that Turned her.

Or, at least, he tried.

“What am I gonna do? I don’t want to lose her. I _refuse to lose her._ This is all my fault, I should have been able to fight him, I should have killed him when I had a chance. She’s here because I was too weak. I’m always too weak. Why can’t I do anything right? I couldn’t step up to him, I couldn’t protect her and now-“ he broke down, his body convulsing as quiet sobs shook his whole being. Kamilah’s hand rested on top of his shoulder, tracing soothing circles, knowing perfectly well that they would do nothing to make him feel better. “And now I couldn’t Turn her. One thing I should be able to do, and I failed.”

“It’s not over yet.” Jax walked in, with Lily trailing behind. They both looked tired, as all of them were, the events of past weeks finally taking their toll on them. “We’re still fighting for her. She’s not gone yet.”

“Adrian…” Kamilah spoke in a soft tone, getting everyone’s attention. She pointed to the clock above Stephanie’s bed, her hand shaking.

It’s been more than 24 hours since they tried to Turn her. And she was still unconscious. Lily’s breathing got heavy as she fell to the ground, tears falling down her cheeks. Jax shook his head, muttering under his breath about how they should wait, how they should keep an eye on her. Kamilah’s head fell forward, hanging low as she mourned for the loss of her friend. But the most devastating sight was Adrian.

He stopped pacing, instead standing by her side, looking down on her with an unreadable face. The longer he looked, the more one could see him falling apart, destroying himself with guilt from the inside. His lower lip trembled, his hands curled into fists so tight his skin turned white, and his eyes closed. When they opened, two lines appeared on his cheeks, and once tears started flowing, they couldn’t seem to stop. His shoulders shook violently as he fell onto the bed, gripping Stephanie’s hand in his tightly, muttering incoherent words. None of the three vampires in the room had the heart to tear him away from her, knowing that it would not turn out well. He needed time to grieve, he needed time to let her go, and even though he didn’t have much of it before they would have to bury her, they could grant him a few minutes of peace and quiet by her side.

For the last time, they were together.

\---- ----- ----

The night was dark and cold when they brought her to the graveyard. Stephanie was tucked safely away in Adrian’s arms, his face still wet from the tears that continued to flow as he mourned her. His grip was tight and secure, his gaze hard as he walked. Kamilah volunteered to dig the grave, Jax being completely opposed to burying her so soon, but as he saw her working, he reluctantly joined, feeling bad about making her do this on her own. Lily stood to the side, quiet and pensive. Adrian turned away from the commotion, unable to look at the hole being made. He couldn’t possibly imagine leaving her in there, alone in the coffin, locked and lost forever.

He would never see her smile. He would never kiss her. Never hold her. Never worship her. Never make her laugh, never hug her. He lost her, once and for all of the eternity.

He knew that she wouldn’t want him to close himself off. She never wanted him to be alone, never wanted him to fall into the spiral of destruction that he could hear calling him so clearly now. So many things were wrong with the world Gaius left behind, so much destruction, so much pain and death. So much was to be done to bring back peace. And yet, he couldn’t bring himself to care.

Because he lost her before he had a chance to tell her how much she meant to him. He’d like to believe she knew, but he couldn’t be sure. And he’ll never get the chance to ask her. He was alone again. It wasn’t like he didn’t expect it to happen eventually. She was human, and at least at the time, he didn’t have any intentions of risking her life to try and Turn her. But then again, his fate always worked against him, always seemed to give him happiness only to rip it from his hands right as he thought he was safe.

“Adrian, it’s time.” Kamilah’s voice got to him through the thick mist of his despair, making him shiver. He stayed where he was, frozen in time and place, unable to move even a single muscle. Her hand touched his arm, squeezing to offer her support as best as she could. His shoulders moved up and down as he braced himself for what was about to happen. With a heavy head and a heavy heart, he turned towards the coffin.

He wasn’t ready to see it. It made it all the more real for him, cleared it up in his head. This was the last time he’ll ever see her, and after he lays her in there and closes the lid, she’ll be forever gone. A fresh batch of tears stung in his eyes as he closed them, pressing a tender, long kiss to her forehead, her skin cold and pale, lacking the glow it always had.

Adrian fell to his knees heavily, the soil giving in beneath his weight, making him sink a little into the ground. He started shaking as she slowly lowered her onto the silk material lining the inside of the coffin, resting her head on the soft cushion. She looked so peaceful, so beautiful. He sobbed, no longer caring how it looked or who saw him falling apart, because she was gone and he was sentenced to a forever without her. Once more, he was to be alone, and it just wasn’t fair.

“Steph…” he muttered softly, his hand curling on the back of her neck as he pressed his forehead to hers, his last goodbye before he is left alone.

_I love you_, he said in his head, praying to whatever force was out there that she heard him, that she knew.

His hands gripped the sides of the lid tightly, tears rolling down his face and reaching his shirt, staining it. Softly, slowly, he lowered it, watching as she disappeared beneath the wooden panel, and when he heard the click, he fell forward, the last of his control leaving his body, only despair and pain left in him. He embraced the coffin, holding onto it like his eternal life depended on it.

He let Kamilah and Jax lower the coffin to the ground, standing to the side. Lily approached him, hugging him tightly. He hugged her tightly, his arms wrapping around her slightly as they cried. When time came, they both approached the edge of the grave, throwing soil into the hole, covering the coffin with it.

He couldn’t tell how much time has passed before they finished. Adrian looked at the finished grave with heavy eyes, feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders more than ever. How was he supposed to go back to living as though nothing happened? How was he supposed to build back the city, when the only source of his strength was laying six feet under him?

“Adrian… we’re here if you need us. You only need to say a word.” Lily said before they left him alone to grieve, to process what had happened and embrace what will happen.

How was he supposed to move on, when every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was her?

\---- ----- ----

First day was numb. His apartment was emptier than usual, his mind was filled with chaos. He couldn’t focus on a single thing, but he sure tried. Burying himself in work, anything, just so that he didn’t have to think about her. And during the day, he managed to do it. Nights were the worst.

There wasn’t a moment in which he didn’t see her, right before his eyes, smiling brightly, waiting for him to approach her. When sleep finally took him, nightmares started, beginning as the most beautiful images that brought her back to life, before they turned rapidly around. She began bleeding, calling his name, pleading for him to help her, to make the pain stop. Her screams ringed in his ears, filling him with panic that didn’t stop even after he woke up. Her voice didn’t disappear either, crying in the darkness of the night, always with him, haunting him.

Day two brought emptiness. Kamilah spent the whole day with him, trying to sort through the mayhem in the city. Save as many people as they could, kill as many Ferals as they could, bring as much peace as they could. Adrian couldn’t focus on anything as much as he wanted, as much as he should, but he couldn’t go back home either. He knew that as soon as he was alone, Stephanie would appear next to him, a vision of her being alive and with him. And just as he was about to touch her, she disappears, screaming for him.

He visits her grave every day. A few times a day. It’s been four days now, and every time he comes, he leaves a small flower for her. When he looked down on it, he could count nine flowers. Maybe he was torturing himself. Maybe he became addicted and couldn’t possibly stay away, even if it was only her grave, even if she was buried beneath him, even if he couldn’t see her.

The place in which he falls to his knees every time he is there has two holes in the ground, perfect fit for his legs. His pants are always dirty when he leaves the graveyard, but he couldn’t care less. What are a few stains in comparison to an eternity without her?

He used to cover his feelings, especially the ones that make him seem weak. Ever since she died, he doesn’t do that anymore. He cries like he hasn’t cried in years, lets the tears cleanse him, allows his emotions to come to the surface. It’s freeing, even if only for a moment, brings him closer to her. She was always so open with people, upfront about her feelings. He admired that about her, and now that she was gone, he made a promise to himself to be better. To make the world a better place. He won’t let her sacrifice be wasted.

His hand traces her name, engraved into the stone with his own two hands. Every time he thinks he cried all the tears he had, a new batch comes to sting his eyes. He doesn’t believe in getting better, not anytime soon at least. It’s all too raw and fresh and it hurts too much to even think about moving on.

“Steph… you have no idea how sorry I am. You trusted me, you laid your life in my hands, you didn’t hesitate to help me a-and I… I _failed you_. I will never forgive myself for putting you in this, for introducing you to the life of danger and death and pain. You shouldn’t be dead, you should be out there, living your life, smiling and laughing, dancing in the rain like only you can. Singing like the sweetest muse ever known to walk the surface of Earth.” He took a shuddered breath, sinking his hands into the ground, as though if he focused enough, he could touch her, connect with her.

“I should have known that falling for you would be your downfall. I should have known that I would be your demise. I should have stopped myself, I should have debriefed you when I had a chance. I should have pushed you as far away from myself as possible. But instead, I pulled you close, closer than anyone in a very long time. I let myself fall in love with you. _I love you, Steph._ My biggest regret is never telling you this, waiting until the very last moment, never making sure you knew just how special and important to me you were. Are. You were the light of my existence, you are the light of my existence, you always will be. If we ever meet again, I hope I will be worth enough of your forgiveness.” He let his words get softer with each moment, each breath shallower than the one before it. His head hung low as silence embraced him, the only thing on his mind being her. With a heavy heart and a kiss to the flower he left on the grave, he walked away.

Something feels different as he approaches the grave for the tenth time. Something changed, and he didn’t know when or how. He didn’t have to wonder what that was for long, though, because as soon as her place of rest came into the view, he immediately knew.

Flowers were thrown aside or crushed under some weight, soil was moved, forming walls around the hole in the ground. When he walked closer to see what happened, a sight of a destroyed coffin was all he saw. He felt sick, realizing that someone disturbed her peace, broke into her coffin and stole her body. Or so he thought, feeling the anger rising in his chest.

But then he saw footmarks on the ground, looking suspicious. They didn’t indicate certainty in their moves, pointing towards confusion of the person who left them behind, along with exhaustion. He followed them, looking for their maker, but didn’t find anything for the first few minutes. Only when he reached the park, did he hear a terrified scream, a woman pleading for her life as a vampire approached her. He reacted fast, grabbing the hand of the attacker, drawing their attention away from the woman and towards him. Her name leaves his lips before he has the opportunity to process the sight before him.

“Stephanie!”


End file.
